I have been cast in the role of klutzy bumbler aka goofball temptress aka slapdash titsy-totsy rom-com heroine

it’s exhaustingall this dashing along platforms

missing trains in which the belovedis just departing

and hilariously snogging the wrong one because even my eyesightis klutzy and the club dim

all the high-octane angst andsensitive monologuing

and colliding withlamp posts while ogling superfit bin men

and pouring drinks down my top out of sheer class-Asexual tension

all that marrying a loserspawning a child who acts as my surrogate spouse through its formative yearsand requires therapy and develops a fetish for bacon and pills (till I ask myself Is it my fault? Should I not have called him Porky as a boy?)

and after a time becoming a compulsive wild swimmersuffering shark bites and hallucinations

but knowing this is where I belongthis is where I find my elemental home

up against stingersthe fluorescence of predators and my own damn fool self

in deep water taming the waves with my half-crooned adorably off-key renditionsof Dylan of Joni of Cohen

From ‘Two Tongues’ (Carcanet £10.99/$14.99)

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